“There is nothing more beautiful than seeing a person being themselves. Imagine going through your day being unapologetically you.” – Steve Maraboli.
A small part of me feels like I was supposed to be a man. That part feels right in tight sports bras and soft worn t-shirts and converse shoes. That side doesn’t like that I have hips and wants to go on long runs outdoors. 90% of me is a gay woman. I don’t feel uncomfortable in my body, but I lean more towards tomboy clothes and activities. I like toques and jeans and hiking boots (original, right?). The smallest part of me feels like I am a straight woman. That part watches makeup tutorials and wants to have more dresses and likes long necklaces and painted nails. Being unapologetically myself is a daily struggle with which version of being I am that morning.
Maybe authenticity would be a little easier if I felt more unified. If I could find a way to gracefully blend these segregated parts of my being together, maybe getting ready would mean less time spent sitting on the floor in a pile of clothes that all just feel kind of wrong. But, as it currently stands, different days or weeks I feel like I’m experiencing my life from another angle.
I painted my nails. Girl Me loved them. Man Me saw them in class a few days later and picked the bright red paint off during a three hour lecture, until all that was left was a little pile of red dust under my chair. A few nights ago I was colouring and listening to music. The next day I wanted to play video games and do push-ups. Today, I wore a toque and a man’s t-shirt and drank coffee by the beach while reading a book.
I’ve made it harder on myself than I’ve needed to. I keep thinking I can find a way to be comfortable in one way of being and dressing. The more time goes by, the less likely that seems. Yes, authenticity would be easier if I just needed to act one way, dress one way, be one way. But that’s not me. That never has been me. A large part of my personal growth this next year will be embracing the shifts instead of fighting them. If I feel like wearing men’s deodorant one day, I will. If the next day I feel like wearing heels and lipstick, I will. I will question myself less, and listen to myself more.
I’m mostly gay. I’m a little bit straight. I’m a little bit masculine. I’m a little bit feminine. I’m a little bit loud. I’m a little bit quiet. I’m a little bit extroverted. I’m a little bit introverted. And that’s all okay. Each side of me is cool in its own right. Each side is beautiful in its own right. Collectively, I’ve always liked who I get to be in this life.
I’m excited to see what this year will be like as I stop trying to filter and select which sides of myself are allowed to be expressed. I’m too old for that shit. 2016 is my time to just be as I am and to enjoy every little bit of what that results in.
“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.” – C.G. Jung.
** A FOLLOW UP FROM MY FACEBOOK COMMENTS TO EXPLAIN A BIT FURTHER:
“I’ll explain a bit more than I did in the blog post. I am probably about 90% gay. I switch between sort of three different ways of seeing myself, but my attraction to females is constant. My attraction to my boyfriend is constant. My attraction to other males is like….not existent. I have three sides of me, but I dominantly am the gay woman or more the male side. Occasionally, for reasons I don’t yet know, I slip into full girl where I just want soft blankets and cuddles and flowers. I don’t get it. Gender is weird. Sexuality is weird. I COULD love anybody of any gender. However, I am madly, absolutely, head over heels in love with my boyfriend. And that works for us.”